MONDAY
AUGUST 8TH, 2011
(Time
and Memory)
Where
do you come from? Does it change where you're going?
If you were
given a chance, could you change where you're going?
Does it
come down to delivery? Does it come down to a plan?
At the end
of it all, the friend of it all swaps hats with the lender
endependend.
6:30
AM
New notebook. Found a
short stack of them in a Staples. Someone had already written in this
one, I ripped out some pages but I'll keep that poem. It's
cute.
We're in a town called Prince Albert now. I didn't talk
much longer to Salmacis; it said goodbye to me and sent me on my way.
Got a little more sleep in the car before we started driving again.
We took turns driving and sleeping: last time I fell asleep Danny was
on his third hour of driving because he didn't want to stop yet, when
I woke up Donnie was driving, had taken us off the highway to get
around a blockade of broken cars but couldn't find a way back onto
the highway afterward. Bones was trying to help her, reasoning out
which side roads would help. We were supposed to be headed east, but
the moon in the sky told us we were going north, and we kept on
going. We got lost.
And then the car ran out of gas. We all got
out of the car, all awake, and stood around it for a while trying to
decide what to do before we just... y'know, walked. Walked
north.
Walked for an hour before we hit Prince Albert.
Walked
for a little longer when we found a Staples.
It's
in a strip mall. Looking
through the other stores
now. Looking for supplies.
6:43
AM
Best Buy's been looted,
but Value Village still has some
shoes! o:
I, uh, do need a different pair by now.
6:44
AM
"wait hold
up"
"someone's there"
where
"there.
past the dresses. over at the books."
"there's
a book section?"
"yeah.
this is like. a secondhand shop. there's always a book
section."
"shit. I wanna have a look after that
person's gone."
"we should probably find out if that
person is friendly."
"what if they're not? do we kill
them? can we kill them?"
"yeah jordan and I have
killed before"
whoa
don't include me in that
"no you've absolutely killed"
well
yeah, there's been zombies and those horned guys in that castle
"and
the people in spain"
okay that's not really fair, I had no
choice
"doesn't that still mean you killed
them?"
well
"isn't that, like, why it's not fair
in the first place?"
I mean yeah, yes, that is
correct
"guys uh weren't we trying to be stealthy"
right,
right, of course
"sorry"
"holy shit that guy
isn't even looking at us"
"was totally expecting it
for at least some comedic effect"
"is
he deaf? did he die standing up?"
he has to know we're
here, we're not exactly being quiet
"I'm gonna call. can I
call? I'm gonna call. Hey! Hey, man! Excuse me!"
6:45
AM
cracked sunglasses.
dishevelled hand-torn grey hair he impulsively yanks while idle. deep
wrinkles, old black man in sun-bleached tye-dye shirt, tattered
trousers, yellow sandals.
he is guarding the books, does not
want us looking at them.
he is not talking.
danny
"Hey, man. You good?"
he is not talking.
fentzy
"We aren't gonna take your books. We're sorry to bother you."
he
is not talking.
bones looks like he wants to say something, but
he's hanging back. disconcerted.
donnie "let's just go.
leave him be."
.."plastic bag."
o_o he
spoke.
fentzy "I'm sorry? Did you leave a bag somewhere,
can we get it for you?"
"the future. future in...
negative…" he's muttering. can't make out all the
words.
donnie "guys,
we can't help. we have more shops to see anyway."
"negative..
one.. twelve…"
his accent strikes me. he's not from
around here. american, at least.
"have you seen him? have
you.. there are five of you.. have you seen him?"
Seen
who?
"him. you know who I'm talking about. can't speak his
name. not here, not where it's not safe."
donnie's shaking
her head at me. she doesn't want to stay.
he's talking more
anyway. "he. the
darkness under it all. it's not a.. it's not a conscious thing. they
took him under. fed him to a machine, fed him to a vast organ. I saw
it on my way here. where is here?"
danny "you're in..
uh, what was this place called? Prince something."
bones
"Prince Albert."
..the man is looking dead at bones
now.
bones stepped behind danny. definitely not
comfortable.
"Prince Albert... Saskatchewan. right. I
remember that. I must have come here on my way out…"
danny
"Hey, uh. What's your name? Do you remember that?"
"of
course. I would never forget my name." getting proud. "after
all I've been, I may forget a face, but my name?
which one do you want?"
o__o
uhhh.
okay maybe
donnie has a point, maybe we should go.
danny "How about
the name you give to strangers?"
"more like the names
that strangers give to me."
6:48
AM
He did not give us a
name to call him by.
He led us out of the store and just..
started walking off down the road.
6:49
AM
It's hard to avoid, but
we're all a little unsettled by this. Fentzy and Danny are more
baffled than anything, but they feel the vibes the rest of us are
giving.
I don't know what Bones is thinking, but Donnie and
I…
We know that man.
Right?
donnie "Yeah... he
looked familiar somehow, but I was trying to ignore that, 'cause he's
nothing like we saw before. But thinking on some of the things he
said, it's. It's gotta be."
Tiresias.
donnie
nodded.
bones "One of those Fears you guys mentioned.
Huh."
What about you, what are you feeling?
bones "I
don't know him, I've never seen him before, but he just, he gave me
the impression he knew me."
..we
should go after him.
fentzy "Talk with a Fear. ...okay.
Sure."
donnie "If he's Tiresias, he's not dangerous. I
think he's in disguise anyway."
fentzy "I already said
'sure.' Let's go."
6:51
AM
He'd gone a little
farther than we'd expected, but not by much. We've caught up to him
approaching a main road. Can still see the sign for Staples.
We've
been calling his name, but he didn't stop until we approached.
He's
not carrying anything, no book, no weapon, just the wacky clothes on
his back.
"Do you need something?"
fentzy "Yeah,
we'd like to talk more."
donnie "If that's okay."
he
chuckled. "I must be more popular than I thought. I'm just
taking a wander to find some place to stay. I don't want any
trouble."
We'd never do that. Cause you trouble, I mean.
You're.. a friend.
"If you say so, child."
..donnie's
getting nervous again.
danny "You're, uh..." hushed
voice "you're.. Tiresias, right?"
"…"
danny
"like, you're, you're a
Fear. a god. I've heard
about you, from these two."
"…"
danny "but
hey, look man, we promise you we'll cause no trouble, we're not about
that. learning from you would be cool. if you.. if you see
fit."
"…"
danny "I mean, I just, I've
heard.. you've helped Jordan and Donnie. is all. I don't wanna
impose. not my place."
"…"
he's looking at
us. starting to breathe heavily.
..o_o
"You.. really
won't cause me trouble? No fights. And there's no more of you coming
that I don't know about. It's just you five?"
Absolutely.
..are
you.. okay?
"I don't know any
of you."
danny "...you don't."
fentzy "shit.
we got the wrong guy. this is just some
dude."
donnie
"You don't remember me? Or Jordan?"
You had called me
'Rael' before.
..he's
staring blankly at me.
"..possible. might be possible."
scratching his chin "Uh.. you got anything to drink?"
fentzy
"Oh! We still have some squash! bones, give me that bag"
6:55
AM
We left the main road,
went into the shade of a bank, and gave him some squash in a plastic
cup.
He's breathing normally again.
fentzy "listen
sir, we really are sorry to bother you. you just look like someone we
know, we're sorry for the confusion. but we're happy to help you get
drinks, or food, or shelter, if you want that. we really mean you no
harm."
"this is what passes for squash now? it's so
bitter."
fentzy "sorry"
"oh, you're
fine. you're nice enough kids. sit down, all of you, I can feel you
standing around, it's not right."
6:56
AM
donnie "So your
name isn't Tiresias."
"Do I look Greek to you?"
donnie
"So, um. What is
your name? You didn't tell us before."
"I'm an old
blind man in a crazy world. Names aren't so important
anymore."
awkward silence. drink more squash.
bones
"...I have a question."
"Speak."
bones
"You were saying something earlier about the darkness under it
all."
"That's not a question."
bones "What..
darkness? What were you talking about?"
"Well. Is it
safe here?"
fentzy "Safe from what?"
"The
birds, the dead, the doors. Anyone who'll know what I'm talking
about."
Uh. o__o
We'll.. keep you safe?
bones
"Please, I'd like to know. We'd
like to know."
"But you already do, you must.
It's all anyone dreams about anymore. A great impenetrable darkness
spreading by design. Voices coming from it, but they're all the same
voice, but they're all different voices. ...you know, you have
to know what I'm talking
about."
..looking at everyone else. everyone's
confused.
everyone except fentzy.
she's looking at the man
with certainty.
fentzy "You're talking about the
Beast."
"Don't just.. say
it. Out loud. Out here."
fentzy
"You are,
then. That's the darkness."
"It's a darkness I know
only too well. I knew it from before.
Years, years
ago. I thought it wasn't
real.. then I thought it was so real, so old,
that it didn't make sense to think of it as a thing
any more than Beauty or Justice is worth noticing. Justice is real,
sure, but you can just as well ignore it all your life and things
will be no different, because it's too big
for any one of us. This darkness is like that. It's exactly like
that."
bones "So that would make it, like.. Evil? You
saw Evil itself."
"I had wondered about that too. But
it didn't make sense to think of it as Evil, or Cruelty, or Despair,
or even Ennui or anything like that, no dark word fit. And I spent a
long time trying to make
it fit. Any one of those words would be a relief, to know I just saw
something that people were already seeing. But it didn't. It didn't
fit.
This darkness exists, and
also Evil exists. You
know?"
bones "What kinds of.. what do you see
with it? Or, what did
you see."
the man is looking at fentzy. a knowing smile. a
sickening smile.
"She knows. She can tell you."
we're
all looking at her now.
fentzy "...I, um. I'd rather
not."
"When
did you see it, love? If you don't mind the question."
fentzy
"I.. it feels so long ago now. So much nearer to the start, so
much nearer to May."
"Funny, the way memories
go."
fentzy "It took someone... someone I care about.
Someone the most important to me."
silence.
fentzy "We
were in.. I mean, it doesn't matter, it wouldn't have mattered if we
were anywhere else, but we were in a hotel. We found a door. It
wasn't like the other doors, not even like the rabbit hole doors.
This door was whispering to us, telling
us to open it. But it was locked. We couldn't open it. And there was
nowhere else to go. All the other paths had been replaced with walls.
We were trapped there with a locked door."
old man is
listening, smiling.
fentzy "It kept telling us to open it.
And even when we tried, we couldn't; it was locked! We started
arguing with each other... it was so stupid, we shouldn't have argued
like that... but we were getting frustrated, we'd been stuck there
for a while... and then we saw there was someone in there with
us."
pause.
"Yes?"
fentzy "skin
pulled taut over a skeleton that didn't fit it. eyes placed in their
sockets like they weren't.. hers."
silence
fentzy
"fuck,
those eyes…"
I put a hand on fentzy's back
fentzy
"she didn't need them. she didn't need the skin or anything. she
didn't need the clothes. a red dress. long red dress.
red wig. almost pink. like strawberry. like a new wig.
and she smiled, cracked lips and broken yellowing teeth... teeth that
didn't belong either. like someone had been putting her together
based on an idea of what a human looks like."
silence.
grim silence. old man breathing.
bones "what did she
do?"
fentzy "well, my s.. we.. we hid in a corner, we
weren't really hidden,
we were just keeping our distance and freaked the fuck out, and we
watched her. she walked up to the door. she had a key in her hand.
and she opened it."
bones "yeah?"
fentzy "at
first she just stood in front of the open doorway, leading into a
threshold of darkness. something made a thump from inside. then a
crash. then a lot of crashes, something coming closer. hitting the
walls. shaking the room, our
room. the woman looked at us and kept smiling. then she got covered
in shadow. a giant shadow, stretching out of the door. growing into
our room, growing fingers.. a giant shadow hand.
stretching. palm out."
donnie "did it.. grab…?"
fentzy
"it grabbed. and it withdrew into the door, fist compressing
into mist, mist fading, leaving me alone, staring at a gaping door..
no one by my side anymore. and no red woman either. and before I
could even process that I was alone,
the door was gone too, and there were corridors on either side of me
like I had never been trapped."
fuck.
fentzy "I
spent some time... screaming at the wall. I did ask why it took her.
my loved one. why it didn't take me.
I asked who it was. I hit the wall, hit it a lot, with my
hands…"
"But that wasn't even when you knew, was
it?"
old man spoke. he'd been quiet for long enough that I
was surprised he spoke at all. fentzy looks dumbfounded.
"That
must have only been your first encounter. Either that, or you're
hiding something more."
fentzy "Sorry, but if you
already know so much, you really should just tell us yourself.
Because I'm not hiding anything. And that
event scared me." she
is curt.
"I
didn't mean to strike a nerve. It's only that.. what you describe,
while clearly traumatic for you, is fairly tame? And call it an
intuition, but I bet you were able to go after your sister."
fentzy
"I... how did you know…"
"Again, call it an
intuition. Sometimes I know
things, and I don't know where I know them from."
fentzy
"Really? Are you sure about that?"
"I'm sure. It
was obvious, anyway, that you were talking about a sister."
fentzy
"......okay."
silence.
fentzy "I
still don't really.. want to talk about that."
"Why
not? Is it because you saw something you shouldn't have? You saw
something that couldn't be real?"
danny "Hey, man, she
said she doesn't want to talk about it."
"And yet you
want me to talk about what I know. You see it is not so easy."
danny
"Didn't say it was."
"The voice calling on us,
the eyes placed arbitrarily into a body, the hand which grabs, the
endless shadows, these are always present. You see, the human
curiosity, it always wants to know about the darkness, it can't help
itself. This darkness is deeper. The man without a face... the man
who is not a man… I sometimes fear that he is the reason I cannot
remember much. We only see it behind the Doors, don't we? And I must
have been behind the Doors… but then, I am also clearly quite old.
Surely it is hubris to suppose I am losing my memory for some reason
so dramatic…"
You're
losing your memory? ..so, you not remembering me and Donnie might not
mean…
"God, you talk really clumsily. Double negative.
Take it easy on me."
Well, I mean, like.
You might
still be who we proposed
you were.
"..if it pleases you."
So you don't
remember the name 'Tiresias.' But what name do
you remember? What is
your name?
"I fear to say."
What does that
mean? You fear your own name?
donnie "jordan, baby, memory
loss is really scary, you don't need to badger him…"
"Bah!
I can speak for myself. I have been coy with you. I fear to say
because it doesn't sound like a name, it sounds silly, but it is what
I know:
it is.. Aqualung."
Huh.
bones
"Huh."
donnie "Huh!"
Okay, so maybe
you're not him! Just, uh, for what it's worth, you do look like him.
Especially the more I get a look at you.
"So all old black
men look the same."
That's not what I'm saying!
"Heh.
Alright, so. Where do we go from here? I would like to go on my way,
if it is all the same to you."
donnie "Of course!
We're sorry for bothering you, again."
"Stop with
that! Thank you for the chat. It has helped wake me up. I don't
imagine I was very presentable when you caught me in that shop. And
you." to fentzy, "I am sorry
for troubling you."
fentzy
waved her hand, arms crossed. dismissive. then realized she hadn't
spoke. "um. it's fine. I get it. thank you for saying so."
and
he gets up, off the dead grass.
and he walks, out of the shade,
into the street, and into the sunrise.
7:12
AM
fentzy "So that
was fucking weird. ..all of it."
bones "Yeah."
…
bones
"Can I have some more of that squash?"
donnie "Oh,
absolutely, here you go."
…
danny "This might
be a stupid question at this point, but, uh, if he was
Tiresias, why did we want to talk to him, exactly?"
because
tiresias owes us some answers.
(Attached:
"The
man in white fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
He
was not sure that the man in white was truly a man. Atop the white
robe poked the head of a man, in fact of a man that the gunslinger
had seen his entire life, but that's just it: Jesus Christ wouldn't
act the way the man in white does, and furthermore, Jesus Christ died
two thousand years ago.
Of course, at first that worked to this
man in white's benefit. At first, when the sky had turned red, all
clouds gone black, strange screeching in the air, the dead walking
the Earth, the gunslinger readily believed the man in white was
Christ arisen again, here at the End Times. That fit then.
He
would not open his robe; he held it shut tight. He would not stop
smiling. And he didn't quite talk
like Jesus.
----
I
have come to you bearing gifts, because
I have need of one such as you, with your special influence over
humanity…
The
gunslinger shook his head and drank some more moonshine from the
flask he carried in his right jeans pocket. He had gone over that
memory, those memories, those days, the horrors, plenty enough over
these last two and a half months. He knew that memory needed only a
single sentence in the brain to get its foot in the door. He had no
need for it now.
He was on the hunt.
It had taken some
doing, but the gunslinger had tracked the man in white here, to the
Divided Countries. The gunslinger refuses to think of the man in
white as Jesus. The man in white is just.. the man in white. The sun
above is still the sun, no angel standing in it. The Bible is still
just that meaningful book of poems and stories for Sunday School. The
Pope is still the Pope-- last he checked-- and Jim
Bakker is rotting in a ditch in Missouri... and he checked on the way
here.
Here is Texas.
Crossing the border was easy. Crossing
the Countries on the way here proved a challenge for the gunslinger's
sixty-year-old joints, though he had lived a life more physically
active than most. Crossing the
ocean
to get to the Countries at all,
well, swimming was out of the question, and he didn't even consider a
boat. He flew. He knew some people from before.
But
he had to come here. The man in white had made that clear, and while
the gunslinger does not trust the word of the man in white, the
gunslinger wished to tail
him. Perhaps the man in white foresaw this. Perhaps the man in white
led
the
gunslinger here, as a contingency.
The
gunslinger urged his horse to a stop. He recognized the name on the
sign.
San
Antonio.
He watched, in the distance, as he thought that maybe
he saw... a burning
bush?
No, trick of the eye. It was just a brown head of hair on a white
robe dashing into the city ruins.
San
Antonio... it's gotta be a coincidence.
The gunslinger
dismounted his horse, strapping some oats to its head. Can you do
that with horses? Is it not just donkeys?
He adjusted his
ray-bans. He turned his stetson down to shield from the sun. He
turned the toothpick over in his mouth. He tightened his black
gloves. He ignored the sweat pooling under his leather jacket.
Secretly, he loved getting to feel that. This was exactly the kind of
life he wanted to live right now.
He
didn't turn his head as he walked. His searching eyes were enough.
There were no buildings left standing that were tall enough to hide
dangers above his head. No snipers, no gunmen. Barely even any
undead.
Something was happening elsewhere in the Countries, the
undead were behaving strangely. But that's not his concern.
His
concern was the building here, still standing even when San Antonio
fell.
The man in white had ducked into here.
The gunslinger
followed.
Old brickwork. 18th century. A cannon, still
standing.
Remember the Alamo.
He always did.
He had
always wanted to come here, exactly here.
And now here he was,
being led here by a man he cannot trust.
The
gunslinger's months-long hunt for the man who had smiled as his
children died in his arms was now over.
He was right here,
waiting for him, standing in front of a shrine for the dead. With
that same smile on his face.
----
You
made it. Let us make this quick.
The gunslinger said
nothing.
----
Have
you made the preparations I asked?
The gunslinger said
nothing.
----
You
must have, otherwise you would not have come all this way. Your enemy
is well-trained, more than I had thought.
-----
That
was him at the end of July, right?
----
Yes.
I expected that fight to go the way it did,
which is why I had come to you first.
-----
You
had this all planned out, huh.
----
More
than you can know, child.
The gunslinger's unseen hand glanced
his holstered pistol, then decided against it. When he makes his
move, he will give more warning. The gunslinger had this
all planned out.
-----
Don't
call me 'child.'
----
Compared
to me, you are. Compared to me, you are a newborn. But you didn't
come all this way to discuss semantics. You came all this way because
I want to see what you are capable of.
-----
I
did, huh?
The eyes narrowed on the face of the man in
white.
----
Draw.
But
the gunslinger did not move. And neither did the man in white.
----
You
choose not to. You ask me to take your skills on trust?
-----
I
didn't come here to shoot you.
The eyes wandered on the face of
the man in white until the man in white was looking at something
behind the gunslinger.
----
How
about him?
The gunslinger turned around
and spotted the boy peering in from the door. Couldn't be more than
ten. Watching with curiosity on his tired eyes. Probably a local, a
survivor, either with or without living family, subsisting in the
rubble of the city. Dark curly hair. Dark freckles.
The
gunslinger saw the child, then turned back to the man in white.
-----
I'm
not going to shoot a child for you.
The man in white paused a
second, staring at the gunslinger with his vacant smile.
----
The
enemy, your target... do you know what happened
with his victory? Do you know what he has caused?
-----
Not
a clue.
----
In
every nation on this Earth, thousands died. Many of those
were children as well.
-----
I'd
imagine they were going to die from the Rapture anyway.
For a
moment, just an instant, the gunslinger thought he saw a change in
expression on the face of the man in white.
Just for a
moment.
----
Do
not speak on that which you do not know. Imagine at your will, but
watch your speech, for it has power. What is real
is that your enemy caused
these deaths.
Boys much like our intruder, dead at his feet. You are going up
against a force that has no concern for this. I wish to know that you
are ready
to do what has to be done.
The
gunslinger was silent. Scowling, trembling with agitation.
Then,
in less than a second,
he turned,
drew his
pistol,
pointed,
and fired.
The flowerpot hanging
above the door, above the child's head, shattered, scaring the boy
off.
The gunslinger now pointed his pistol at the man in
white.
-----
There's
my abilities. I've trained. Before May, I had never so much as
handled a gun. I committed myself to learning how to wield them.
Don't ask if I'm ready, and don't ever
ask me to shoot at a child ever again.
The man in white
continued to smile, a little wider now.
----
Very
well.
The gunslinger waited a moment, then withdrew his
weapon.
----
His
path will cross
here in a matter of days. If you show him the skills you showed me,
then they shall sing your praises as a savior of humankind.
The
man in white headed for the door, stopped only at the threshold by
the gunslinger's question:
-----
You
told me this will get my family back?
A pause.
----
Correct.
And
then he left.
With a sigh, the gunslinger sat on stone stairs
outside the shrine and rubbed his eyelid. The conversation still
didn't sit right with him, but at least it was specific and driven
towards resolution. This false Jesus unsettled him, but maybe he's
just like that. The gunslinger was in no position to judge.
It
takes a particular kind of man, with a peculiar enthusiasm, to turn
away from his entire past life and take up the psychology of a
solitary soldier in the wild west. He still had friends back in
England when he left, people who cared about him after he lost his
children. He still had the old mates... the old skills…
He
wondered where they
were now. Had they joined the circus behind the doors, might he hear
them in the towering sirens one day?
What would he say to them
now, if they could see him, see what he was doing?
There's the
obvious option. Inquiring for health, reminiscences, offering mutual
comfort.
But then there's the cute
option.
He could say to them,
-----
Jesus
he knows me,
just
as he says now, aloud to the empty air of the mission.")