MONDAY AUGUST 8TH, 2011
(Time and Memory)

Where do you come from? Does it change where you're going?
If you were given a chance, could you change where you're going?
Does it come down to delivery? Does it come down to a plan?
At the end of it all, the friend of it all swaps hats with the lender endependend.

6:30 AM
New notebook. Found a short stack of them in a Staples. Someone had already written in this one, I ripped out some pages but I'll keep that poem. It's cute.
We're in a town called Prince Albert now. I didn't talk much longer to Salmacis; it said goodbye to me and sent me on my way. Got a little more sleep in the car before we started driving again. We took turns driving and sleeping: last time I fell asleep Danny was on his third hour of driving because he didn't want to stop yet, when I woke up Donnie was driving, had taken us off the highway to get around a blockade of broken cars but couldn't find a way back onto the highway afterward. Bones was trying to help her, reasoning out which side roads would help. We were supposed to be headed east, but the moon in the sky told us we were going north, and we kept on going. We got lost.
And then the car ran out of gas. We all got out of the car, all awake, and stood around it for a while trying to decide what to do before we just... y'know, walked. Walked north.
Walked for an hour before we hit Prince Albert.
Walked for a little longer when we found a Staples.
It's in a strip mall. Looking through the other stores now. Looking for supplies.

6:43 AM
Best Buy's been looted, but Value Village still has some shoes! o:
I, uh, do need a different pair by now.

6:44 AM
"wait hold up"
"someone's there"
where
"there. past the dresses. over at the books."
"there's a book section?"
"yeah. this is like. a secondhand shop. there's always a book section."
"shit. I wanna have a look after that person's gone."
"we should probably find out if that person is friendly."
"what if they're not? do we kill them? can we kill them?"
"yeah jordan and I have killed before"
whoa don't include me in that
"no you've absolutely killed"
well yeah, there's been zombies and those horned guys in that castle
"and the people in spain"
okay that's not really fair, I had no choice
"doesn't that still mean you killed them?"
well
"isn't that, like, why it's not fair in the first place?"
I mean yeah, yes, that is correct
"guys uh weren't we trying to be stealthy"
right, right, of course
"sorry"
"holy shit that guy isn't even looking at us"
"was totally expecting it for at least some comedic effect"
"is he deaf? did he die standing up?"
he has to know we're here, we're not exactly being quiet
"I'm gonna call. can I call? I'm gonna call. Hey! Hey, man! Excuse me!"

6:45 AM
cracked sunglasses. dishevelled hand-torn grey hair he impulsively yanks while idle. deep wrinkles, old black man in sun-bleached tye-dye shirt, tattered trousers, yellow sandals.
he is guarding the books, does not want us looking at them.
he is not talking.
danny "Hey, man. You good?"
he is not talking.
fentzy "We aren't gonna take your books. We're sorry to bother you."
he is not talking.
bones looks like he wants to say something, but he's hanging back. disconcerted.
donnie "let's just go. leave him be."
.."plastic bag."
o_o he spoke.
fentzy "I'm sorry? Did you leave a bag somewhere, can we get it for you?"
"the future. future in... negative…" he's muttering. can't make out all the words.
donnie "guys, we can't help. we have more shops to see anyway."
"negative.. one.. twelve…"
his accent strikes me. he's not from around here. american, at least.
"have you seen him? have you.. there are five of you.. have you seen him?"
Seen who?
"him. you know who I'm talking about. can't speak his name. not here, not where it's not safe."
donnie's shaking her head at me. she doesn't want to stay.
he's talking more anyway. "he. the darkness under it all. it's not a.. it's not a conscious thing. they took him under. fed him to a machine, fed him to a vast organ. I saw it on my way here. where is here?"
danny "you're in.. uh, what was this place called? Prince something."
bones "Prince Albert."
..the man is looking dead at bones now.
bones stepped behind danny. definitely not comfortable.
"Prince Albert... Saskatchewan. right. I remember that. I must have come here on my way out…"
danny "Hey, uh. What's your name? Do you remember that?"
"of course. I would never forget my name." getting proud. "after all I've been, I may forget a face, but my name? which one do you want?"
o__o
uhhh.
okay maybe donnie has a point, maybe we should go.
danny "How about the name you give to strangers?"
"more like the names that strangers give to me."

6:48 AM
He did not give us a name to call him by.
He led us out of the store and just.. started walking off down the road.

6:49 AM
It's hard to avoid, but we're all a little unsettled by this. Fentzy and Danny are more baffled than anything, but they feel the vibes the rest of us are giving.
I don't know what Bones is thinking, but Donnie and I…
We know that man.
Right?
donnie "Yeah... he looked familiar somehow, but I was trying to ignore that, 'cause he's nothing like we saw before. But thinking on some of the things he said, it's. It's gotta be."
Tiresias.
donnie nodded.
bones "One of those Fears you guys mentioned. Huh."
What about you, what are you feeling?
bones "I don't know him, I've never seen him before, but he just, he gave me the impression he knew me."
..we should go after him.
fentzy "Talk with a Fear. ...okay. Sure."
donnie "If he's Tiresias, he's not dangerous. I think he's in disguise anyway."
fentzy "I already said 'sure.' Let's go."

6:51 AM
He'd gone a little farther than we'd expected, but not by much. We've caught up to him approaching a main road. Can still see the sign for Staples.
We've been calling his name, but he didn't stop until we approached.
He's not carrying anything, no book, no weapon, just the wacky clothes on his back.
"Do you need something?"
fentzy "Yeah, we'd like to talk more."
donnie "If that's okay."
he chuckled. "I must be more popular than I thought. I'm just taking a wander to find some place to stay. I don't want any trouble."
We'd never do that. Cause you trouble, I mean. You're.. a friend.
"If you say so, child."
..donnie's getting nervous again.
danny "You're, uh..." hushed voice "you're.. Tiresias, right?"
"…"
danny "like, you're, you're a Fear. a god. I've heard about you, from these two."
"…"
danny "but hey, look man, we promise you we'll cause no trouble, we're not about that. learning from you would be cool. if you.. if you see fit."
"…"
danny "I mean, I just, I've heard.. you've helped Jordan and Donnie. is all. I don't wanna impose. not my place."
"…"
he's looking at us. starting to breathe heavily.
..o_o
"You.. really won't cause me trouble? No fights. And there's no more of you coming that I don't know about. It's just you five?"
Absolutely.
..are you.. okay?
"I don't know any of you."
danny "...you don't."
fentzy "shit. we got the wrong guy. this is just some dude."
donnie "You don't remember me? Or Jordan?"
You had called me 'Rael' before.
..he's staring blankly at me.
"..possible. might be possible." scratching his chin "Uh.. you got anything to drink?"
fentzy "Oh! We still have some squash! bones, give me that bag"

6:55 AM
We left the main road, went into the shade of a bank, and gave him some squash in a plastic cup.
He's breathing normally again.
fentzy "listen sir, we really are sorry to bother you. you just look like someone we know, we're sorry for the confusion. but we're happy to help you get drinks, or food, or shelter, if you want that. we really mean you no harm."
"this is what passes for squash now? it's so bitter."
fentzy "sorry"
"oh, you're fine. you're nice enough kids. sit down, all of you, I can feel you standing around, it's not right."

6:56 AM
donnie "So your name isn't Tiresias."
"Do I look Greek to you?"
donnie "So, um. What is your name? You didn't tell us before."
"I'm an old blind man in a crazy world. Names aren't so important anymore."
awkward silence. drink more squash.
bones "...I have a question."
"Speak."
bones "You were saying something earlier about the darkness under it all."
"That's not a question."
bones "What.. darkness? What were you talking about?"
"Well. Is it safe here?"
fentzy "Safe from what?"
"The birds, the dead, the doors. Anyone who'll know what I'm talking about."
Uh. o__o
We'll.. keep you safe?
bones "Please, I'd like to know. We'd like to know."
"But you already do, you must. It's all anyone dreams about anymore. A great impenetrable darkness spreading by design. Voices coming from it, but they're all the same voice, but they're all different voices. ...you know, you have to know what I'm talking about."
..looking at everyone else. everyone's confused.
everyone except fentzy.
she's looking at the man with certainty.
fentzy "You're talking about the Beast."
"Don't just.. say it. Out loud. Out here."
fentzy "You are, then. That's the darkness."
"It's a darkness I know only too well. I knew it from before. Years, years ago. I thought it wasn't real.. then I thought it was so real, so old, that it didn't make sense to think of it as a thing any more than Beauty or Justice is worth noticing. Justice is real, sure, but you can just as well ignore it all your life and things will be no different, because it's too big for any one of us. This darkness is like that. It's exactly like that."
bones "So that would make it, like.. Evil? You saw Evil itself."
"I had wondered about that too. But it didn't make sense to think of it as Evil, or Cruelty, or Despair, or even Ennui or anything like that, no dark word fit. And I spent a long time trying to make it fit. Any one of those words would be a relief, to know I just saw something that people were already seeing. But it didn't. It didn't fit. This darkness exists, and also Evil exists. You know?"
bones "What kinds of.. what do you see with it? Or, what did you see."
the man is looking at fentzy. a knowing smile. a sickening smile.
"She knows. She can tell you."
we're all looking at her now.
fentzy "...I, um. I'd rather not."
"When did you see it, love? If you don't mind the question."
fentzy "I.. it feels so long ago now. So much nearer to the start, so much nearer to May."
"Funny, the way memories go."
fentzy "It took someone... someone I care about. Someone the most important to me."
silence.
fentzy "We were in.. I mean, it doesn't matter, it wouldn't have mattered if we were anywhere else, but we were in a hotel. We found a door. It wasn't like the other doors, not even like the rabbit hole doors. This door was whispering to us, telling us to open it. But it was locked. We couldn't open it. And there was nowhere else to go. All the other paths had been replaced with walls. We were trapped there with a locked door."
old man is listening, smiling.
fentzy "It kept telling us to open it. And even when we tried, we couldn't; it was locked! We started arguing with each other... it was so stupid, we shouldn't have argued like that... but we were getting frustrated, we'd been stuck there for a while... and then we saw there was someone in there with us."
pause.
"Yes?"
fentzy "skin pulled taut over a skeleton that didn't fit it. eyes placed in their sockets like they weren't.. hers."
silence
fentzy "fuck, those eyes…"
I put a hand on fentzy's back
fentzy "she didn't need them. she didn't need the skin or anything. she didn't need the clothes. a red dress. long red dress. red wig. almost pink. like strawberry. like a new wig. and she smiled, cracked lips and broken yellowing teeth... teeth that didn't belong either. like someone had been putting her together based on an idea of what a human looks like."
silence. grim silence. old man breathing.
bones "what did she do?"
fentzy "well, my s.. we.. we hid in a corner, we weren't really hidden, we were just keeping our distance and freaked the fuck out, and we watched her. she walked up to the door. she had a key in her hand. and she opened it."
bones "yeah?"
fentzy "at first she just stood in front of the open doorway, leading into a threshold of darkness. something made a thump from inside. then a crash. then a lot of crashes, something coming closer. hitting the walls. shaking the room, our room. the woman looked at us and kept smiling. then she got covered in shadow. a giant shadow, stretching out of the door. growing into our room, growing fingers.. a giant shadow hand. stretching. palm out."
donnie "did it.. grab…?"
fentzy "it grabbed. and it withdrew into the door, fist compressing into mist, mist fading, leaving me alone, staring at a gaping door.. no one by my side anymore. and no red woman either. and before I could even process that I was alone, the door was gone too, and there were corridors on either side of me like I had never been trapped."
fuck.
fentzy "I spent some time... screaming at the wall. I did ask why it took her. my loved one. why it didn't take me. I asked who it was. I hit the wall, hit it a lot, with my hands…"
"But that wasn't even when you knew, was it?"
old man spoke. he'd been quiet for long enough that I was surprised he spoke at all. fentzy looks dumbfounded.
"That must have only been your first encounter. Either that, or you're hiding something more."
fentzy "Sorry, but if you already know so much, you really should just tell us yourself. Because I'm not hiding anything. And that event scared me." she is curt.
"I didn't mean to strike a nerve. It's only that.. what you describe, while clearly traumatic for you, is fairly tame? And call it an intuition, but I bet you were able to go after your sister."
fentzy "I... how did you know…"
"Again, call it an intuition. Sometimes I know things, and I don't know where I know them from."
fentzy "Really? Are you sure about that?"
"I'm sure. It was obvious, anyway, that you were talking about a sister."
fentzy "......okay."
silence.
fentzy "I still don't really.. want to talk about that."
"Why not? Is it because you saw something you shouldn't have? You saw something that couldn't be real?"
danny "Hey, man, she said she doesn't want to talk about it."
"And yet you want me to talk about what I know. You see it is not so easy."
danny "Didn't say it was."
"The voice calling on us, the eyes placed arbitrarily into a body, the hand which grabs, the endless shadows, these are always present. You see, the human curiosity, it always wants to know about the darkness, it can't help itself. This darkness is deeper. The man without a face... the man who is not a man… I sometimes fear that he is the reason I cannot remember much. We only see it behind the Doors, don't we? And I must have been behind the Doors… but then, I am also clearly quite old. Surely it is hubris to suppose I am losing my memory for some reason so dramatic…"
You're losing your memory? ..so, you not remembering me and Donnie might not mean…
"God, you talk really clumsily. Double negative. Take it easy on me."
Well, I mean, like.
You might still be who we proposed you were.
"..if it pleases you."
So you don't remember the name 'Tiresias.' But what name do you remember? What is your name?
"I fear to say."
What does that mean? You fear your own name?
donnie "jordan, baby, memory loss is really scary, you don't need to badger him…"
"Bah! I can speak for myself. I have been coy with you. I fear to say because it doesn't sound like a name, it sounds silly, but it is what I know: it is.. Aqualung."
Huh.
bones "Huh."
donnie "Huh!"
Okay, so maybe you're not him! Just, uh, for what it's worth, you do look like him. Especially the more I get a look at you.
"So all old black men look the same."
That's not what I'm saying!
"Heh. Alright, so. Where do we go from here? I would like to go on my way, if it is all the same to you."
donnie "Of course! We're sorry for bothering you, again."
"Stop with that! Thank you for the chat. It has helped wake me up. I don't imagine I was very presentable when you caught me in that shop. And you." to fentzy, "I am sorry for troubling you."
fentzy waved her hand, arms crossed. dismissive. then realized she hadn't spoke. "um. it's fine. I get it. thank you for saying so."
and he gets up, off the dead grass.
and he walks, out of the shade, into the street, and into the sunrise.

7:12 AM
fentzy "So that was fucking weird. ..all of it."
bones "Yeah."
…
bones "Can I have some more of that squash?"
donnie "Oh, absolutely, here you go."
…
danny "This might be a stupid question at this point, but, uh, if he was Tiresias, why did we want to talk to him, exactly?"
because tiresias owes us some answers.

(Attached: "The man in white fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
He was not sure that the man in white was truly a man. Atop the white robe poked the head of a man, in fact of a man that the gunslinger had seen his entire life, but that's just it: Jesus Christ wouldn't act the way the man in white does, and furthermore, Jesus Christ died two thousand years ago.
Of course, at first that worked to this man in white's benefit. At first, when the sky had turned red, all clouds gone black, strange screeching in the air, the dead walking the Earth, the gunslinger readily believed the man in white was Christ arisen again, here at the End Times. That fit then.
He would not open his robe; he held it shut tight. He would not stop smiling. And he didn't quite talk like Jesus.
---- I have come to you bearing gifts, because I have need of one such as you, with your special influence over humanity…
The gunslinger shook his head and drank some more moonshine from the flask he carried in his right jeans pocket. He had gone over that memory, those memories, those days, the horrors, plenty enough over these last two and a half months. He knew that memory needed only a single sentence in the brain to get its foot in the door. He had no need for it now.
He was on the hunt.
It had taken some doing, but the gunslinger had tracked the man in white here, to the Divided Countries. The gunslinger refuses to think of the man in white as Jesus. The man in white is just.. the man in white. The sun above is still the sun, no angel standing in it. The Bible is still just that meaningful book of poems and stories for Sunday School. The Pope is still the Pope-- last he checked-- and Jim Bakker is rotting in a ditch in Missouri... and he checked on the way here.
Here is Texas.
Crossing the border was easy. Crossing the Countries on the way here proved a challenge for the gunslinger's sixty-year-old joints, though he had lived a life more physically active than most. Crossing the ocean to get to the Countries at all, well, swimming was out of the question, and he didn't even consider a boat. He flew. He knew some people from before.
But he had to come here. The man in white had made that clear, and while the gunslinger does not trust the word of the man in white, the gunslinger wished to tail him. Perhaps the man in white foresaw this. Perhaps the man in white led the gunslinger here, as a contingency.
The gunslinger urged his horse to a stop. He recognized the name on the sign.
San Antonio.
He watched, in the distance, as he thought that maybe he saw... a burning bush? No, trick of the eye. It was just a brown head of hair on a white robe dashing into the city ruins.
San Antonio... it's gotta be a coincidence.
The gunslinger dismounted his horse, strapping some oats to its head. Can you do that with horses? Is it not just donkeys?
He adjusted his ray-bans. He turned his stetson down to shield from the sun. He turned the toothpick over in his mouth. He tightened his black gloves. He ignored the sweat pooling under his leather jacket. Secretly, he loved getting to feel that. This was exactly the kind of life he wanted to live right now.
He didn't turn his head as he walked. His searching eyes were enough. There were no buildings left standing that were tall enough to hide dangers above his head. No snipers, no gunmen. Barely even any undead.
Something was happening elsewhere in the Countries, the undead were behaving strangely. But that's not his concern.
His concern was the building here, still standing even when San Antonio fell.
The man in white had ducked into here.
The gunslinger followed.
Old brickwork. 18th century. A cannon, still standing.
Remember the Alamo.
He always did.
He had always wanted to come here, exactly here.
And now here he was, being led here by a man he cannot trust.
The gunslinger's months-long hunt for the man who had smiled as his children died in his arms was now over.
He was right here, waiting for him, standing in front of a shrine for the dead. With that same smile on his face.
---- You made it. Let us make this quick.
The gunslinger said nothing.
---- Have you made the preparations I asked?
The gunslinger said nothing.
---- You must have, otherwise you would not have come all this way. Your enemy is well-trained, more than I had thought.
----- That was him at the end of July, right?
---- Yes. I expected that fight to go the way it did, which is why I had come to you first.
----- You had this all planned out, huh.
---- More than you can know, child.
The gunslinger's unseen hand glanced his holstered pistol, then decided against it. When he makes his move, he will give more warning. The gunslinger had this all planned out.
----- Don't call me 'child.'
---- Compared to me, you are. Compared to me, you are a newborn. But you didn't come all this way to discuss semantics. You came all this way because I want to see what you are capable of.
----- I did, huh?
The eyes narrowed on the face of the man in white.
---- Draw.
But the gunslinger did not move. And neither did the man in white.
---- You choose not to. You ask me to take your skills on trust?
----- I didn't come here to shoot you.
The eyes wandered on the face of the man in white until the man in white was looking at something behind the gunslinger.
---- How about him?
The gunslinger turned around and spotted the boy peering in from the door. Couldn't be more than ten. Watching with curiosity on his tired eyes. Probably a local, a survivor, either with or without living family, subsisting in the rubble of the city. Dark curly hair. Dark freckles.
The gunslinger saw the child, then turned back to the man in white.
----- I'm not going to shoot a child for you.
The man in white paused a second, staring at the gunslinger with his vacant smile.
---- The enemy, your target... do you know what happened with his victory? Do you know what he has caused?
----- Not a clue.
---- In every nation on this Earth, thousands died. Many of those were children as well.
----- I'd imagine they were going to die from the Rapture anyway.
For a moment, just an instant, the gunslinger thought he saw a change in expression on the face of the man in white.
Just for a moment.
---- Do not speak on that which you do not know. Imagine at your will, but watch your speech, for it has power. What is real is that your enemy caused these deaths. Boys much like our intruder, dead at his feet. You are going up against a force that has no concern for this. I wish to know that you are ready to do what has to be done.
The gunslinger was silent. Scowling, trembling with agitation.
Then, in less than a second,
he turned,
drew his pistol,
pointed,
and fired.
The flowerpot hanging above the door, above the child's head, shattered, scaring the boy off.
The gunslinger now pointed his pistol at the man in white.
----- There's my abilities. I've trained. Before May, I had never so much as handled a gun. I committed myself to learning how to wield them. Don't ask if I'm ready, and don't ever ask me to shoot at a child ever again.
The man in white continued to smile, a little wider now.
---- Very well.
The gunslinger waited a moment, then withdrew his weapon.
---- His path will cross here in a matter of days. If you show him the skills you showed me, then they shall sing your praises as a savior of humankind.
The man in white headed for the door, stopped only at the threshold by the gunslinger's question:
----- You told me this will get my family back?
A pause.
---- Correct.
And then he left.
With a sigh, the gunslinger sat on stone stairs outside the shrine and rubbed his eyelid. The conversation still didn't sit right with him, but at least it was specific and driven towards resolution. This false Jesus unsettled him, but maybe he's just like that. The gunslinger was in no position to judge.
It takes a particular kind of man, with a peculiar enthusiasm, to turn away from his entire past life and take up the psychology of a solitary soldier in the wild west. He still had friends back in England when he left, people who cared about him after he lost his children. He still had the old mates... the old skills…
He wondered where they were now. Had they joined the circus behind the doors, might he hear them in the towering sirens one day?
What would he say to them now, if they could see him, see what he was doing?
There's the obvious option. Inquiring for health, reminiscences, offering mutual comfort.
But then there's the cute option.
He could say to them,
----- Jesus he knows me,
just as he says now, aloud to the empty air of the mission.")