TUESDAY MAY 31ST, 2011
(Tropes)

7:12 AM
"Man, that really did a number on you, didn't it?"
I don't want to disobey. :c
"That is what I wanted, yes. Okay, I don't have much to tell you today except to remind you, marketplace, 8 PM."
Hey, yeah, there's a big TVTropes meetup there. Why do you want me to go to that?
..she walked out.
Guess I can go back to bed, then.

7:56 AM
Donnie’s up. She said she missed me yesterday. ..and she kissed me. .w.
FUCK YEAH APOCALYPSE

8:20 AM
ZOMBIES IN THE KITCHEN
FUCK NO APOCALYPSE

8:38 AM
Fucking hate those things. They don’t ever do anything. They just stand there, moving only when I do.
I’m beginning to suspect they aren’t really “zombies.”

12:52 PM
More zombies got into the house. I got ‘em out.

4:44 PM
OH MY GOD MORE ZOMBIES BACK BACK BACK
There’s been a lot of zombies lashing out today.
It’s almost like they’re choosing today, of all days, to group up.
>___>

7:10 PM
We’re heading out to the marketplace now, all three of us. It’s a stupid idea to leave the house unguarded, but what the fuck.

7:48 PM
People are slowly pouring into the marketplace. It’s oddly devoid of all zombies.

8:06 PM
Wow, a lot of people here recognize me ‘cause my TVTropes avatar is a drawing of Rael Fancyhat. ..which is my ALTER-EGO. :DDD (Inter-ego?) In the.. coat n’ hat. And scarf. And.. yeah, I’m easy to spot.
I just heard, like, seven “DJays” right then. I’m getting hugged left and right. I love tropers.

8:14 PM
OH MY GOD THEY HAVE FREE FOOD

8:21 PM
Seems like someone’s gonna have to make a speech soon. This oughta answer a few of our questions.

8:29 PM
I see Mister Speech Man Dude. I think that’s one of the moderators. I think. Shit, I’ve heard about him.

8:30 PM
Speech time!
“Attention. Attention, everyone. I don’t exactly have a microphone, so you’re just gonna have to be quiet, alright? Alright. Now, let’s get some facts straight: This is probably the end of the world. There are zombies in the streets. There are giant faceless torso men crawling around. There are portals to another dimension lying around. The internet has been down since Saturday. There are really dangerous creatures sharing our world. We have no idea what else is going on. There, see? Does that clear things up?”
crowd’s laughing a bit
“But none of that means we should give our hopes up. We’re all still alive, and we’ve made it through some pretty atrocious wars so as a species I think we’ll do just fine. The important thing to do is to gather whatever information we can find. So if we could all patiently raise our hands and, when called on, tell everyone whatever information you’ve been able to discern about this bizarre state of the world.”
someone raises their hand, the mod points at them
“I’ve been having bad dreams about the future, and from what I’ve gathered everyone’s been, so they’re probably important.”
“Yes, good to note! Bad dreams about the future, real specific, I love it! Who’s next?”
a woman over there
“I have good friends in the Internet Service Providing industry, and before the internet went down last Saturday some of them were talking about their computers showing a figure made of clockwork. The internet had actually gone down before that day and they’d been able to get it back up, as apparently this clockwork virus thing can’t keep a total hold over the internet for too long, so something tells me the internet will come back. Probably go in waves.”
murmuring
mod “Wow, that’s some really vital information if your friends were right in what they saw! Way to go to them! Anyone else? C'mon, we’ve got all night!”
uh I guess I’ll raise my hand
“Yes, you there in the hat!”
Hi! I, uh. I’ve got a lot of things to say, actually; I’ve kinda been running all over the country so I’ve already encountered a fair bit of stuff. May I take some time to.. list.. stuff?
“By all means.”
First up, hi, I’m Jordan. Jordan Dooling. You guys know me as DJay. I’ve been kinda running all over the country, and I’ve seen plenty of shit. Can I say “shit?” Alright, shitting fuck, all that stuff.
There are, uh.. there are these things called “spidercats.” I don’t know if you guys’ve seen them. Hell, they might not even be called that; I just… heh, yeah. Spidercats are exactly what they sound like. They’re cats. With eight legs. And they are bastards, seriously. Sure, they can be docile and cute just like any cat, but I warn you: If they get hostile, kill them swiftly and sharply. Try not to get ambushed. …that was shit advice, now that I think about it. I mean, you can’t exactly prepare for an ambush; it’s not an “ambush” then. I’ll move on.
The big, faceless guys? I call ‘em “Big Ones,” and I find it’s a very helpful name for remembering which creature’s which. I haven’t seen any other giant creatures crawling around, and I can’t say I really want to. But yeah. Big Ones. I have no idea how to kill them. I just try to avoid them. Oh! Oh! A little tip: Big Ones love Pot Noodles. Found this out the hard way.
You guys might want to write some of this stuff down.
A while back, I encountered something some of you might not believe. This was an isolated event; I haven’t ran into the thing since, but still! Best to inform you. It was, um… no easier way to say this, really. A Cockroach Jesus. It was a giant cockroach. With the head of Jesus Christ. He was driving a car, no joke. He’s a little hostile. Chased me through the woods. Uh.. take notes if you see him. Or one. Might be more than one. Oh, important to note that it was specifically the head of the white western depiction and not anything historically accurate! ..moving on.
In the aforementioned forest, not sure where but it’s somewhere close to Ashford, Middlesex. …SORRY NOT MIDDLESEX, I forgot it hasn’t been called “Middlesex” since 1962. SURREY. Right? Surrey? Yeah, Ashford, Surrey. Anyway! In the forest is a little town I found filled with green people. Now, uh.. trying not to sound racist here, but the green people were evil. They tried to kill me. I think. I’m.. well, my memory’s a little fuzzy as to what they actually did. I just realized I don’t have a name for them. …well, they had trees on their fingers. So “Treefingers.” Let’s call ‘em that. Kay? Kay. Question, did you have a questi… no, you were stretching. Kay.
God, this is gonna take ages.
There seems to be a, um… does anyone know the towns near Ashford, Surrey? You do? Good. Um.. tell me, was “Hell” always there? It wasn’t? Yeah, well, it is now. It’s a weird town, clocks are a little broken, and your old friends show up as tarantulas, but it’s.. I mean, it’s not bad. I wouldn’t hate living there or anything. The only problem is this, uh… “Eldritch Bear.” It’s a giant bear thing that really isn’t a bear at all. It’s Eldritch. An Eldritch Abomination. I’m sure you tropers know what I mean. Just.. if you see a bear, run, okay? You probably didn’t need me to tell you that, actually.
There’s also a really creepy man around there, looks a bit like the G-Man from Half-Life. Don’t know shit about him, sorry.
He’s good with bears, though.
Alright, let me pose a, um… scenario in your minds: Let’s say you’re— close your eyes, close your eyes, relax, you’re on a beach, you’re in the sky, you’re relaxed and in your happy place. Right. Now, you’re on the motorway and a giant truck is chasing you and trying to eat you. That’s the “Carbra.” Watch out for it.
f them do have wings. Watch out. No special name; they’re just the flying zombies, really. Real flappy wings. Can’t miss ‘em. Unless you’re looking at the ground. But then, why would you be looking at the ground out in the middle of— oh, maybe there’s a spidercat eating your leg or something. God, that would be, like.. the worst day, ever. …sorry, moving on.
London is fairly safe. Fairly. I’m sure some of you were wondering about that. See, the zombies there don’t hurt you. They just stand there, as do the ones around here. I have no name for these. ….but I guess I’ll make one now. Uhhhh… hrm, what’s a good name? They’re zombies… but they just stand there. They’re pretty dull. …how about “dull zombies?” Right, rolls off the tongue, sounds good.
Now, up around the northern motorway, I have seen a certain crying man. Now, don’t fall for the same mistake I made, kay? Stay away from the crying man. If he runs from you, don’t follow. “But wait,” you ask. “What if it’s an actual survivor? How do I tell the difference,” you ask? Well. …I have no idea. Just, um.. call his name. Or say “HEY YOU.” If you get no response, he’s either the crying man or he can’t hear you or he’s distracted or he’s.. well, a lot of things. Fuck. Um.. just… be careful, alright?
Right. I’ll cut right to the good part: The slender man is real. Saw him when I was on Blackpool Tower the other day. Same slender man we all know and fear— slendercoat, slender body, no noticeable face. He didn’t attack me, but ohhhh god I’ve never seen him actually attack anyone in a story ohh god what’s gonna happen SORRY SORRY SORRY.
Next: THE MOTHERFUCKING RAKE IS REAL. AND THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE OF THEM. Three Rakes. You know The Rake, I’m sure. Pale, hairless, dog-man, sharp claws, disturbing eyes. Yeah, there are at least three of them. Luckily, they are killable. And I have already killed two. But still, y’know? Prepare.
My friend in the Americas let me know that the Grim Reaper might be real too. Wears a gas mask, apparently. Be on the lookout. What else. What else. Hoo boy.
In London, right? In London, there is, uh.. how to explain him. He’s a man. In a hood. And he’s wearing a mask that’s a lot like a giant beak, covers his face. I thought he looked a lot like Ace, from RubyQuest, so I called him Ace Man. For some reason, I get the feeling he’s a lot more dangerous than when I just saw him standing there, so.. yeah.
And here in Blackpool, stay away from the seaside, okay? You might run into a giant tentacle. I call it CTHULHU 2 or something, though I was told it’s nothing like Cthulhu at all, so don’t let my words distract you from reality. It controls the zombies around here. Okay, good I got that out of the way.
Now, I think that should be it. Is that it? Yeah, I think that’s it. Thank you, and, uh… have a nice day.
“Thank you for that, DJay. That was pretty informative. But I think I have something you missed: The Harlequin.”
The, uh.. the Harlequin?
“Yes. Heard of her?”
…no, I can’t say I have. <:D
“Then I’ll explain. The Harlequin is an increasing threat in our attempts at survival. I’ve heard word of at least seven groups of survivors being defeated by her today. And with the more people she defeats, the stronger she grows, so something needs to be done sooner rather than later. The Harlequin, for all intents and purposes, is a living puppet. A marionette, y'know? Except she isn’t controlled by strings. She uses her strings to control us. Well, her victims. She loves to play tricks, whether just fooling us for fun or playing with her ‘food.’ It’s hard to tell who’s actually under her control, too. Her strings aren’t normally that easy to see. And if she knows enough about you, she can get your corpse to mimic you to a terrifying degree of accuracy.”
Have there ever, um.. been reports of people.. following the Harlequin.. without being forced?
"What, a genuine follower? No. No, nobody's been that stupid. To willingly go along? To just be some kind of... of pet? What would she have them do, probably murder. I have a word of advice to everyone here: You want to avoid the Harlequin. Kill the Puppets, put them out of their mercy. If there is someone willingly following her, kill them too! This is about survival, and protecting humanity!"
..ah. That answers my question.
“Good. I’m glad it does. Now, then. Now that we’ve gotten all the serious business out of the way, let’s try living like humans again. Let’s have ourselves a party!”
crowd cheeeeer

8:57 PM
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my goddddddddddd HELP.

9:32 PM
THIS IS FUCKING TORTURE, I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME OH MY GODDDDDDD

9:58 PM
WHYYYY DID I HAVE TO BE SUCH A FUCKING POPULAR TROPERRRR OH MY GOD STOP LOOKING AT MEEEE

10:31 PM
I’m hiding in the bathroom. I just.. I need a moment. Oh my god, why am I freaking out so much, they love me, but I’m a traitor. You heard them, journal; you got it all written down. They'd hate my kind. I’m spineless. I’m a coward, a fool. A bitch.
I’m a pet.

10:34 PM
….as I was walking out, I passed by a troper who I assumed was listening to his iPod. I looked again, he had no earphones nor any iPod or anything. Just wires.
I’m gonna find Donnie.

10:38 PM
I can’t find her. I guess I’ll.. keep looking.

10:44 PM
Everyone’s looking at me. Why is everyone looking at me.

10:45 PM
Someone’s stepping up to the stage. It’s the mod.
He looks tired.
“Attention, everyone. The time has come for the few of you who have been unconverted to step up.”
..the crowd’s pushing some people up to the stage. What the hell. …wait, am I converted already or somTALKING TALKING
“We shall start with the first.”
It’s a woman. ..obviously. I’ll shut up.
..wait. What’s he doing with that KNIFE
WAIT
asdfgh
….o_e
There’s someone floating above him. Above the mod.
I gotta get closer.
The mod’s arms are raising. His hands are dangling as his elbows
are up. The figure above him is doing the same.
The figure’s moved their right hand to their throat. And.. I don’t need to tell you this but that’s his knife hand ohgod
I can almost tell who the figurrjiweds Hello, Mistress.
Mistress is pleased to see me here. I.. but.. fuck. Mistress says she’ll do that later; I may have been a good boy but she has other matters to attend to. That’s not what I…
Mistress is making the mod talk more. She’s making him give a speech to the few remaining survivors, telling them how they shouldn’t have come, how the Mistress is so pleased they did come anyway. How their blind obedience will come in very handy.
The crowd of puppets is closing in on the NONONO I’ve gotta do somethYES MISTRESS, oh god sorry sorry…I’m sorry, you guys. .__. I just.. I can’t. She can crush me like an ant. I couldn’t possibly…
Oh god. Can I at least look awayYESMISTRESS ohgod I don’t wanna looooook
blood
blood
look at that that’s death
more and more tropers taken to the public spectacle
I oh god
please
no that’s Donnie
please. .___.
Mistress sees I am passionate for this pathetic girl. Mistress decides she’ll show a little mercy, at least because it’s for her pet. But Mistress reminds me that her mercy comes at a price, a price that Mistress can and will claim when she so pleases.
Yes, ma’am. >___<
Mistress is ordering me to take Donnie and go to bed now.
Mistress will see me in the morning.
…her giggles. Not so comforting.

11:00 PM
Donnie and I walked home slowly. Donnie stopped by a bin to vomit at one point. We didn’t speak to each other.
She knows I’m a pet now.

(Attached: "What is this about? Tropes transcend television. They reflect life. We’re about celebrating fiction, not showing off how snide and sarcastic we can be. What is this about? What is this about? What is this about? What is this about?”)
(Attached, flipped to other side: “Cyetbwla ewbtwnx eu tam ohytv,
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Agl hkvdadfr gx spta bzx vxhoshogeay mw kxl ezo J.. kyeh, dhh Q jxhtdy ba. Naa Yemcjg vn Jafz Ztjjyail, tz Q'v cbzfxz pt.
Lwex vn qov aur dhvx lgnibwd ns
Uvybsxl ex vn ealwhz if lbnw nw
Ag I esxbyhtx xska wx Rbdnnnl th ggn
Icl umhcfwaeeg lapa as ocn yky yhc.
Lapa as gcl xrlrrwfx.
Apas jg zhn te.
...Vhvk htvsnh oed qgea fiwir: Vrhtagqpeaofi tbv VXN...”)