TUESDAY
MAY 31ST, 2011
(Tropes)
7:12
AM
"Man, that really did a number on you, didn't it?"
I don't want to disobey. :c
"That is what I wanted, yes. Okay, I don't have much to tell you today except to remind you, marketplace, 8 PM."
Hey, yeah, there's a big TVTropes meetup there. Why do you want me to go to that?
..she walked out.
Guess I can go back to bed, then.
7:56
AM
Donnie’s up. She said she missed me yesterday. ..and
she kissed me. .w.
FUCK YEAH APOCALYPSE
8:20
AM
ZOMBIES IN THE KITCHEN
FUCK NO APOCALYPSE
8:38
AM
Fucking hate those things. They don’t ever do
anything. They just stand there, moving only when I do.
I’m
beginning to suspect they aren’t really “zombies.”
12:52
PM
More zombies got into the house. I got ‘em out.
4:44
PM
OH MY GOD MORE ZOMBIES BACK BACK BACK
There’s been
a lot of zombies lashing out today.
It’s almost like they’re
choosing today, of all days, to group up.
>___>
7:10
PM
We’re heading out to the marketplace now, all three of
us. It’s a stupid idea to leave the house unguarded, but what the
fuck.
7:48
PM
People are slowly pouring into the marketplace. It’s
oddly devoid of all zombies.
8:06
PM
Wow, a lot of people here recognize me ‘cause my
TVTropes avatar is a drawing of Rael Fancyhat. ..which is my
ALTER-EGO. :DDD (Inter-ego?) In the.. coat n’ hat. And scarf. And..
yeah, I’m easy to spot.
I just heard, like, seven “DJays”
right then. I’m getting hugged left and right. I love tropers.
8:14
PM
OH MY GOD THEY HAVE FREE FOOD
8:21
PM
Seems like someone’s gonna have to make a speech soon.
This oughta answer a few of our questions.
8:29
PM
I see Mister Speech Man Dude. I think that’s one of the
moderators. I think. Shit, I’ve heard about him.
8:30
PM
Speech time!
“Attention. Attention, everyone. I
don’t exactly have a microphone, so you’re just gonna have to be
quiet, alright? Alright. Now, let’s get some facts straight: This
is probably the end of the world. There are zombies in the streets.
There are giant faceless torso men crawling around. There are portals
to another dimension lying around. The internet has been down since
Saturday. There are really dangerous creatures sharing our world. We
have no idea what else is going on. There, see? Does that clear
things up?”
crowd’s laughing a bit
“But none of that
means we should give our hopes up. We’re all still alive, and we’ve
made it through some pretty atrocious wars so as a species I think
we’ll do just fine. The important thing to do is to gather whatever
information we can find. So if we could all patiently raise our hands
and, when called on, tell everyone whatever information you’ve been
able to discern about this bizarre state of the world.”
someone
raises their hand, the mod points at them
“I’ve been having
bad dreams about the future, and from what I’ve gathered everyone’s
been, so they’re probably important.”
“Yes, good to note! Bad dreams about the future, real specific, I love it!
Who’s next?”
a woman over there
“I have good friends
in the Internet Service Providing industry, and before the internet
went down last Saturday some of them were talking about their
computers showing a figure made of clockwork. The internet had
actually gone down before that day and they’d been able to get it
back up, as apparently this clockwork virus thing can’t keep a
total hold over the internet for too long, so something tells me the
internet will come back. Probably go in waves.”
murmuring
mod
“Wow, that’s some really vital information if your friends were
right in what they saw! Way to go to them! Anyone else? C'mon, we’ve
got all night!”
uh I guess I’ll raise my hand
“Yes,
you there in the hat!”
Hi! I, uh. I’ve got a lot of things
to say, actually; I’ve kinda been running all over the country so
I’ve already encountered a fair bit of stuff. May I take some time
to.. list.. stuff?
“By all means.”
First up, hi, I’m
Jordan. Jordan Dooling. You guys know me as DJay. I’ve been kinda
running all over the country, and I’ve seen plenty of shit. Can I
say “shit?” Alright, shitting fuck, all that stuff.
There
are, uh.. there are these things called “spidercats.” I don’t
know if you guys’ve seen them. Hell, they might not even be called
that; I just… heh, yeah. Spidercats are exactly what they
sound like. They’re cats. With eight legs. And they are bastards,
seriously. Sure, they can be docile and cute just like any cat, but I
warn you: If they get hostile, kill them swiftly and sharply. Try not
to get ambushed. …that was shit advice, now that I think about it.
I mean, you can’t exactly prepare for an ambush; it’s not
an “ambush” then. I’ll move on.
The big, faceless guys? I
call ‘em “Big Ones,” and I find it’s a very helpful name for
remembering which creature’s which. I haven’t seen any other
giant creatures crawling around, and I can’t say I really want
to. But yeah. Big Ones. I have no idea how to kill them. I just try
to avoid them. Oh! Oh! A little tip: Big Ones love Pot
Noodles. Found this out the hard way.
You guys might want to
write some of this stuff down.
A while back, I encountered
something some of you might not believe. This was an isolated event;
I haven’t ran into the thing since, but still! Best to inform you.
It was, um… no easier way to say this, really. A Cockroach Jesus.
It was a giant cockroach. With the head of Jesus Christ. He was
driving a car, no joke. He’s a little hostile. Chased me through
the woods. Uh.. take notes if you see him. Or one. Might be
more than one. Oh, important to note that it was specifically the
head of the white western depiction and not anything historically
accurate! ..moving on.
In the aforementioned forest, not sure
where but it’s somewhere close to Ashford, Middlesex. …SORRY NOT
MIDDLESEX, I forgot it hasn’t been called “Middlesex” since
1962. SURREY. Right? Surrey? Yeah, Ashford, Surrey. Anyway! In the
forest is a little town I found filled with green people. Now, uh..
trying not to sound racist here, but the green people were evil. They
tried to kill me. I think. I’m.. well, my memory’s a little fuzzy
as to what they actually did. I just realized I don’t have a name
for them. …well, they had trees on their fingers. So “Treefingers.”
Let’s call ‘em that. Kay? Kay. Question, did you have a questi…
no, you were stretching. Kay.
God, this is gonna take
ages.
There seems to be a, um… does anyone know the towns near
Ashford, Surrey? You do? Good. Um.. tell me, was “Hell” always
there? It wasn’t? Yeah, well, it is now. It’s a
weird town, clocks are a little broken, and your old friends show up
as tarantulas, but it’s.. I mean, it’s not bad. I wouldn’t
hate living there or anything. The only problem is this, uh…
“Eldritch Bear.” It’s a giant bear thing that really isn’t a
bear at all. It’s Eldritch. An Eldritch Abomination. I’m sure you
tropers know what I mean. Just.. if you see a bear, run, okay?
You probably didn’t need me to tell you that, actually.
There’s
also a really creepy man around there, looks a bit like the G-Man
from Half-Life. Don’t know shit about him, sorry.
He’s
good with bears, though.
Alright, let me pose a, um… scenario
in your minds: Let’s say you’re— close your eyes, close your
eyes, relax, you’re on a beach, you’re in the sky, you’re
relaxed and in your happy place. Right. Now, you’re on the motorway
and a giant truck is chasing you and trying to eat you. That’s the
“Carbra.” Watch out for it.
f them do have wings.
Watch out. No special name; they’re just the flying zombies,
really. Real flappy wings. Can’t miss ‘em. Unless you’re
looking at the ground. But then, why would you be looking at the
ground out in the middle of— oh, maybe there’s a spidercat eating
your leg or something. God, that would be, like.. the worst day,
ever. …sorry, moving on.
London is fairly safe. Fairly.
I’m sure some of you were wondering about that. See, the zombies
there don’t hurt you. They just stand there, as do the ones around
here. I have no name for these. ….but I guess I’ll make one now.
Uhhhh… hrm, what’s a good name? They’re zombies… but they
just stand there. They’re pretty dull. …how about “dull
zombies?” Right, rolls off the tongue, sounds good.
Now, up
around the northern motorway, I have seen a certain crying man. Now,
don’t fall for the same mistake I made, kay? Stay away from the
crying man. If he runs from you, don’t follow. “But wait,”
you ask. “What if it’s an actual survivor? How do I tell the
difference,” you ask? Well. …I have no idea. Just, um.. call his
name. Or say “HEY YOU.” If you get no response, he’s either the
crying man or he can’t hear you or he’s distracted or he’s..
well, a lot of things. Fuck. Um.. just… be careful, alright?
Right.
I’ll cut right to the good part: The slender man is real. Saw him
when I was on Blackpool Tower the other day. Same slender man we all
know and fear— slendercoat, slender body, no noticeable face. He
didn’t attack me, but ohhhh god I’ve never seen him actually
attack anyone in a story ohh god what’s gonna happen SORRY SORRY
SORRY.
Next: THE MOTHERFUCKING RAKE IS REAL. AND THERE ARE AT
LEAST THREE OF THEM. Three Rakes. You know The Rake, I’m sure.
Pale, hairless, dog-man, sharp claws, disturbing eyes. Yeah, there
are at least three of them. Luckily, they are killable. And I have
already killed two. But still, y’know? Prepare.
My friend in
the Americas let me know that the Grim Reaper might be real too.
Wears a gas mask, apparently. Be on the lookout. What else. What
else. Hoo boy.
In London, right? In London, there is, uh.. how
to explain him. He’s a man. In a hood. And he’s wearing a mask
that’s a lot like a giant beak, covers his face. I thought he
looked a lot like Ace, from RubyQuest, so I called him Ace
Man. For some reason, I get the feeling he’s a lot more dangerous
than when I just saw him standing there, so.. yeah.
And here in
Blackpool, stay away from the seaside, okay? You might run into a
giant tentacle. I call it CTHULHU 2 or something, though I was told
it’s nothing like Cthulhu at all, so don’t let my words distract
you from reality. It controls the zombies around here. Okay, good I
got that out of the way.
Now, I think that should be it.
Is that it? Yeah, I think that’s it. Thank you, and, uh… have a
nice day.
“Thank you for that, DJay. That was pretty
informative. But I think I have something you missed: The
Harlequin.”
The, uh.. the Harlequin?
“Yes. Heard of
her?”
…no, I can’t say I have. <:D
“Then I’ll
explain. The Harlequin is an increasing threat in our attempts at
survival. I’ve heard word of at least seven groups of survivors
being defeated by her today. And with the more people she
defeats, the stronger she grows, so something needs to be done sooner
rather than later. The Harlequin, for all intents and purposes, is a
living puppet. A marionette, y'know? Except she isn’t
controlled by strings. She uses her strings to control us.
Well, her victims. She loves to play tricks, whether just fooling us
for fun or playing with her ‘food.’ It’s hard to tell who’s
actually under her control, too. Her strings aren’t normally that
easy to see. And if she knows enough about you, she can get your
corpse to mimic you to a terrifying degree of accuracy.”
Have
there ever, um.. been reports of people.. following the Harlequin..
without being forced?
"What, a genuine follower? No. No, nobody's been that stupid. To willingly go along? To just be some kind of... of pet? What would she have them do, probably murder. I have a word of advice to everyone here: You want to avoid the Harlequin. Kill the Puppets, put them out of their mercy. If there is someone willingly following her, kill them too! This is about survival, and protecting humanity!"
..ah. That answers my question.
“Good. I’m
glad it does. Now, then. Now that we’ve gotten all the serious
business out of the way, let’s try living like humans again. Let’s
have ourselves a party!”
crowd cheeeeer
8:57
PM
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my
god oh my goddddddddddd HELP.
9:32
PM
THIS IS FUCKING TORTURE, I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE’S
LOOKING AT ME OH MY GODDDDDDD
9:58
PM
WHYYYY DID I HAVE TO BE SUCH A FUCKING POPULAR TROPERRRR
OH MY GOD STOP LOOKING AT MEEEE
10:31
PM
I’m hiding in the bathroom. I just.. I need a moment.
Oh my god, why am I freaking out so much, they love me, but
I’m a traitor. You heard them, journal; you got it all written
down. They'd hate my kind. I’m spineless. I’m a coward, a fool. A
bitch.
I’m a pet.
10:34
PM
….as I was walking out, I passed by a troper who I
assumed was listening to his iPod. I looked again, he had no
earphones nor any iPod or anything. Just wires.
I’m gonna find
Donnie.
10:38
PM
I can’t find her. I guess I’ll.. keep looking.
10:44
PM
Everyone’s looking at me. Why is everyone looking at
me.
10:45
PM
Someone’s stepping up to the stage. It’s the mod.
He
looks tired.
“Attention, everyone. The time has come for the
few of you who have been unconverted to step up.”
..the
crowd’s pushing some people up to the stage. What the hell. …wait,
am I converted already or somTALKING TALKING
“We shall
start with the first.”
It’s a woman. ..obviously. I’ll
shut up.
..wait. What’s he doing with that
KNIFE
WAIT
asdfgh
….o_e
There’s someone
floating above him. Above the mod.
I gotta get closer.
The
mod’s arms are raising. His hands are dangling as his elbows
are
up. The figure above him is doing the same.
The figure’s moved
their right hand to their throat. And.. I don’t need to tell you
this but that’s his knife hand ohgod
I can almost tell who the
figurrjiweds Hello, Mistress.
Mistress is pleased to see me
here. I.. but.. fuck. Mistress says she’ll do that later; I may
have been a good boy but she has other matters to attend to. That’s
not what I…
Mistress is making the mod talk more. She’s
making him give a speech to the few remaining survivors, telling them
how they shouldn’t have come, how the Mistress is so pleased they
did come anyway. How their blind obedience will come in very
handy.
The crowd of puppets is closing in on the NONONO I’ve
gotta do somethYES MISTRESS, oh god sorry sorry…I’m sorry, you
guys. .__. I just.. I can’t. She can crush me like an ant. I
couldn’t possibly…
Oh god. Can I at least look
awayYESMISTRESS ohgod I don’t wanna
looooook
blood
blood
look at that that’s death
more
and more tropers taken to the public spectacle
I oh
god
please
no that’s Donnie
please. .___.
Mistress
sees I am passionate for this pathetic girl. Mistress decides she’ll
show a little mercy, at least because it’s for her pet. But
Mistress reminds me that her mercy comes at a price, a price that
Mistress can and will claim when she so pleases.
Yes,
ma’am. >___<
Mistress is ordering me to take Donnie and
go to bed now.
Mistress will see me in the morning.
…her
giggles. Not so comforting.
11:00
PM
Donnie and I walked home slowly. Donnie stopped by a bin
to vomit at one point. We didn’t speak to each other.
She
knows I’m a pet now.
(Attached:
"What
is this about? Tropes transcend television. They reflect life. We’re
about celebrating
fiction,
not showing off how snide and sarcastic we can be. What is this
about? What is
this
about? What is this about? What is this about?”)
(Attached,
flipped to other side: “Cyetbwla
ewbtwnx eu tam ohytv,
Sbjyw if lbnw lv usnz hcfaz
Agl
hkvdadfr gx spta bzx vxhoshogeay mw kxl ezo J.. kyeh, dhh Q jxhtdy
ba. Naa Yemcjg vn Jafz Ztjjyail, tz Q'v cbzfxz pt.
Lwex vn qov
aur dhvx lgnibwd ns
Uvybsxl ex vn ealwhz if lbnw nw
Ag I
esxbyhtx xska wx Rbdnnnl th ggn
Icl umhcfwaeeg lapa as ocn yky
yhc.
Lapa as gcl xrlrrwfx.
Apas jg zhn te.
...Vhvk
htvsnh oed qgea fiwir: Vrhtagqpeaofi tbv VXN...”)