FRIDAY JULY 29TH, 2011
(Crotch Museum)

12:00 AM
Goddammit, we have hostiles! Jellybean on starboard, Hot Tamales on port!
WE ARE UNDER FIRE, SPRINKLES ARE BOMBARDING THE MUFFIN SHIP!
"I'm doing my best to evade! Use some.. muffin rockets or something!"
What does this look like, the Maltesers Falcon? This is a ferry vessel! We don't have rockets!
"What the fuck does a detective movie have to do with our situation!"
What? I meant, like, the Millennium Falcon! That Star Wars ship with the guns!
"But you said Maltes"I WAS MAKING A CANDY PUN
JUST DRIVE, WOMAN

12:02 AM
she's swerving us. can't dodge all the gumdrop bullets, but with some fancy footwork we can..
do 9/11 on those wafer buiLDINGS WATCH OUT

12:05 AM
"I don't think the candypiece fighters survived that"
no
donnie, I am sorry for asking you to fly this thing
"yes, I will never fly again after this"
good job on weaving between those buildings, but we need to.. touch down... we need somewhere safe
"let me find that big strawberry citadel, there was a hangar high up on it"

12:09 AM
okay
jesus, that was.. that was a tragedy.
"they'll really hate us now."
god I hope no one was working there at the time.
but. thank you, donnie. thank you for landing us.
..she's got a hand on the wall, leaning over, calming down.
okay.

12:10 AM
We're in a big hangar in the side of the strawberry tower, tallest structure by a margin. We're not far from the top, we are very high up. The walls and floor and everything are made of red with little white polka-dots, and it extends far enough downward that the cloud cover blocks my sight of the bottom.
There's no obvious doors to leave the hangar, but there's a little open vent shaft. Which probably is the door, for the little gingerbread people.

12:11 AM
We have to squeeze ourselves in here tight and sidle our way through a winding narrow corridor that slopes down regularly.

12:14 AM
ugh man my knees are killing me. I'm not made to scoot this low for so long.
"at least it smells nice in here."
how does this thing not rot?

12:17 AM
"you just had to jinx us, didn't you."
oh my god that smell is awful.
we're approaching a section that is.. definitely darker than before
and we have to move so damn slowly through all this because we're too tall

12:20 AM
OH FUCK
FLOOR, PLEASE BE MARSHMALLOW
ow
Okay, the good news is, it was. The bad news is, since Donnie was so close to me when the rotten strawberry gave way, she landed square on top of me. o.e
Normally, I wouldn’t complain about having her on top. But it was at least a ten-foot drop.
..that rhymed.

12:21 AM
"jesus, my fucking ass…"
it's a great ass, what's the problem
"listen, cutie, that doesn't absolve you of making me fly that damn muffin"
I'm sorry
"so I'm just not gonna get up right now."
oh no!!!!! :)
"you can still use your hands. write in your little journal. write some descriptions or something."
yes, ma'am!
So we were walking through the strawberry citadel, minding our own, just focusing on getting through the little section of rot, when the rotten floor gave way and I fell down, Donnie close behind. We seem to have landed (with a thud!) in a little warehouse of sorts, with walls that clearly stretch further than the citadel looked outside. Whether this was another Door or not, I can’t tell. The marshmallow floor leads me to believe it wasn’t.
Above our heads are the narrow strawberry shafts, looking like vent ducts from down here.
I hear the vague hum of machinery within the fortress’ walls, and that’s all.

12:22 AM
can. um.
"yes?"
can I get up and have a look around?
"you want me to get off of you?"
...give it another few minutes, please. .w.

12:28 AM
"so. we're on another rabbit hole adventure."
yeah... :)
"do we actually, like, know how to find anything here? like the cipher. if we have to find the cipher, do we know how?"
well. the last few times, we've kinda just been going with the flow? it might have something to do with staying in Xanadu. if we have the chance to return to Earth, instead stay.
"that's your best guess?"
yeah. we didn't really think about it the other times? but we always hit the cipher after being in here for like a whole day.
"that's true."

12:38 AM
Alright, we're up. We're up and about.
There are lots of tall metal shelves around, not even organized in any set orders.
Some of them are really tall, others are just the right size, some of them are filled with cheese, others with ham, and even some with milk floating in invisible glasses. Nothing is spoiled here, it looks picturesque, looks ideal.

12:42 AM
There’s some sort of gigantic strawberry structure up ahead.

12:43 AM
The vents above our heads hit this wall and then sprawl down. It looks like a vertical maze, with an entrance being in front of us.
There’s a licorice ladder in this vent. I guess that explains how the vertical aspect of the maze is possible. Unless you wanna meander along more marshmallow warehouse, I say we climb up.

12:47 AM
I found a little airborne alcove. Taking the time to write, as I can’t really write much on the ladder.

12:57 AM
gravity shifted more than a few times. We’d be climbing up, and suddenly, we’d fall. ..up. The strawberry would change colors a lot, too. We’re currently resting in an indigo alcove.
I’m not sure how much longer we have to go, but I’m fairly certain we’re close to where the ceiling was.

1:04 AM
OH GOD
NO
NO NO
I GOT YOU
C’MON
OH GOD
PULL
PULL
PULL

1:05 AM
Donnie found the exit to the shafts and a big bear was ready to grab her. Fucking Eldritch Bear! What's this asshole even doing here? I got her, though. We're hiding back in the shafts as it roars.

1:06 AM
We found a different exit.
…it saw us.
Hiding

1:08 AM
Okay, I have an idea. If you go up that end, and I go up this end, we can gang up on him and frying pan-slash-guitar controller him to death!
"I miss my rifle..."
Ready? Break!

1:09 AM
GO GO GO GO
HEY
wdfinsreijfd
WHOA
don’t hesitate
WHACK WHACK WHACK
KARRACK

1:11 AM
The bear sprouted wings of fire and flew away.
So the strawberry climbing-wall put us out in a damp damp cave, with sticky spiderwebs coating the walls. Bundles of creatures wriggle in the web.
There's someone else in the room with us.
It's the creepy man with the red jacket. I've seen him before. I saw him the last time I encountered the Eldritch Bear. o_o

1:12 AM
Who are you?
"We have all been digested here."
..what
He’s gone. He just disappeared. We were looking right at him; he disappeared!
Fuck it. We’re not sticking around to figure out what he was referring to.

1:14 AM
"Oh! I have this!"
what
BAM
bright light in my face
thank you for remembering your helmet!
"There's so many little things crawling on the walls."
They have too many legs. o_e
"But they're scared of light!"
Yeah, and I'm scared of them.
"Stick behind me, then."

1:17 AM
no path splits. just one long walk. it's not too narrow, but I'm not going near those walls.

1:20 AM
THERE! A LIGHT! A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE CAVE
THAT'S FIRE
but there's no warmth coming from it.
Donnie, walk through it!
"What, why me?"
You're wearing armor and shit!!!
"..the fire's not real. It's just a light source. Feels like wind."
Huh!
"Making me test it out for you is going on the List, you know. The List of things I'm gonna punish you for later."
Whatever! We both know that I love that!
"We do. Did the fire lead us to a different world?"

1:21 AM
A museum on fake fire. Devoid of visitors, besides us.
..the objects on display are all genitalia.

1:23 AM
Every room presents meat and two veg, or lady particles.
Well, I mean, only a few of them are human. Most of them are other creatures’. They look much less familiar. Some of them look like mouths with teeth. Or a tongue extending from between legs.
"That one looks like a corkscrew! That one's got barbs on it!"
Donnie’s finding it fascinating. I find it… weird, but interesting, sure.
So. Xanadu has a crotch museum.
..sure?

1:38 AM
Wait, we hit a new wing of the museum.
..this is all arms. Of all sorts.

1:50 AM
..torsos.

2:03 AM
This wing’s all heads. o_e

2:05 AM
creepycreepycreepycreepycreepy

2:14 AM
HOW LONG DID A DAMN MUSEUM WING NEED TO BE
"WHY DO SOME OF THE EYES FOLLOW US"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
"IS IT JUST A FUN LITTLE TRICK"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

2:39 AM
creepycreepyEXIT
ENTERhallway of doors
oh the doors lead to classrooms, of course they do, THIS DAMN PLACE AGAIN
the PA speakers are playing soft new-wave grooves

2:42 AM
We're walking down the long hallway, looking in every room we pass.
Every classroom is completely empty. No desks, no chairs, just big empty spaces stared down by black chalkboard.

2:43 AM
The music is on a loop. I mean, probably. There's no vocals, just a moody instrumental. It adds to the vibes and is the only good thing I'm feeling.

2:47 AM
The classrooms down here are starting to change. These ones all have exactly one desk in them, in the center of each room. The room numbers are in the 100 range.

2:50 AM
The echo of our footsteps grows louder and more delayed.

2:54 AM
Rooms with two desks, starting from room 200.

3:02 AM
Three deskfour that one had four. The numbers jumped from 302 to 403.
And the echoing has grown so loud and delayed that it actually sounds like people walking all around us.

3:05 AM
Five desks.

3:14 AM
..still five. 599 went to 5001.
Donnie keeps turning around to look at something.
There’s nothing there.

3:20 AM
A thousand five-desk rooms. So many doors.
The footstep echoes are converging into one single echo, one single pair of footsteps. It's focusing behind us.

3:23 AM
The hallway ends on a single door on the far wall. It's made of cold steel.
Goodbye, rooms of five.
It's time to enter the fifth level.

555555555555555555555555555555555555555555
Factory (1)
The walls are cast in a shadow so thick we can touch it. Donnie's headtorch doesn't even penetrate it.
The floor is metal, coated in a layer of rust.
The sound of heavy machinery is grinding from the next room.
We’re back in the factory.

Factory (2)
"Wait."
?
"Don't you get that feeling? Holding back your bones. Constricting your chest. That feeling like we don't actually want to dwell here."
I do.
"But do you feel the other feeling too?"
I do. The rumbling I feel in my feet, of something growling many miles below us. Something that's trapped here, something that resents every day it spends in Xanadu's bowels. Biding its time. Plotting its wrath.
"Something we might actually want to find."
It's not as strong as the trepidation, but I feel it all the same.
"Okay. Just making sure we're on the same page."
I think we are.
"We can continue now. Into the mouth of madness."

Factory (3)
We step into the large empty chamber.
Among the shadows that are the walls slide shadows formerly known as men. The Victims kneel, their faces to the ground, both cowering and praying.
The moment my rumbling foot stepped through the door, I could clearly hear a voice speaking.
"Sixty-nine days. Sixty-nine days. Sixty-nine days. Keep time. Keep time. Keep time. Hold my insides in place. Hold my insides in place. Hold my insides in place. You will not break me. You will not break me. You will not break me. I will break you.”
I can remember it in any voice I like, but I cannot explicitly remember what the original voice was that said it. All I really know is that the voice was.. foreboding. No distinct pitch or accent. Sounded like a tree, actually. If a tree had a voice.
I look around and see a man in the room with us, transparent, his outline bleeding into the shadows. He looks like me.
There is no one else in this room.
There is another doorway.

Factory (4)
This is a steel platform suspended above a void, a railing between us and the drop.
We overlook trains speeding off into the distance, tall and featureless razors. They ride into electricity, setting fire to their trailing cars and spaghettifying into the horizon.
Suddenly, neon shoots back to us from that gold distance.
Donnie gasps. This neon is harmless, but the factory brings pain.
The pain surges through our heads and the factory laughs at our stable forms.
There’s no comfort in the eldritch.
There’s no comfort like the eldritch.

Factory (5)
The railing shakes as something steps out of the shadows towards us.
It's the man in the theatrical sadface mask. His outline, too, bleeds out whisps of color that feed the walls. He makes staggered steps.
"I know what you are doing."
Uh. Hey! Omega's your name, right?
"I know that someone else is heading for the seventh Cipher, and you are heading there to stop them."
They're on the way, then. They found a rabbit hole.
"I know how you fight. I know that you are not ready."
For the bikers?
"For what's to come."
Here comes Omega, wielding a sword of fire and a smashed bottle of whiskey.
Donnie's relying on her frying pan.
I've got my Tiger Stripes.
There's not much room to maneuver here. We've got to just.. try.

Factory (6)
HE'S GRABBED TIGER STRIPES OUT OF MY HANDS
"This? This is your weapon? It has a soul in it. I can feel it wanting to give you enough adrenaline to bash my skull in. Not bad."
CRACK
he snapped it in half
and threw the pieces into the void below
"Not good enough."
YOU SON OF A BITCH

Factory (7)
He’s chasing us down upside-down chambers with sawblades breaking bone noise in rhythms playing from factory speakers
there are no legsteps when there is no chance

Factory (8)
He has me cornered. Donnie slipped away, and he came after me.
"You fight like all you know is self-defense and adrenaline. You have no skill. You have gotten this far because the situation has not called for more. But the gods have long been talking about you, and I don't just mean the Fears."
step. step.
step.
"If I kill you now, it just might free the Beast inside. That's a risk I need to take."
raising his swords.
BONK
"FUCK"
SLAM! "I'M SORRY" SLAM! WHACK! "I'M S" WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Donnie stands over his dead body, skull a mangle.
"You already freed the beast inside, bitch."
Her frying pan is bent, dripping with blood and grey matter.
"You gave me a reason."
>__<
"C'mon, Jordan. You heard him; the bikers are on the way to the Cipher. We've got work to do."

4:23 PM
The factory sent us through a corridor of fast-spinning clocks before we reached a glowing white doorway.
…WAIT OH GOD
OH MY GOD
OH GOD
cxjgsdffjdc
THIS IS NOT FAIR
NOT RIGHT AFTER LOSING TIGER STRIPES
WE’RE IN FUCKING DOGSCAPE

4:44 PM
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS

4:50 PM
FUCKING DOG EVERYWHERE
I HATE THAT TAIL OVER THERE
I HATE THAT MOUTH IN THE GROUND
I HATE THAT FLEA THERE
THAT MOUNTAIN OF BUTTS REALLY SUCKS ASS

5:01 PM
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND A DOOR HERE

5:19 PM
IT’S A GODDAMN FRIDAY NIGHT
I’M SIXTEEN AND CUTE; I SHOULD BE SPENDING THIS NIGHT AT SOME MOVIE THEATER “WATCHING” A HORROR FILM WITH, LIKE, MY GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING
THAT'D BE DONNIE. DONNIE, YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND IN THIS SCENARIO. OKAY?
WE’RE BOTH ATTRACTIVE AND DASHING TEENAGERS, AND IT’S A FRIDAY NIGHT. WE SHOULD BE SPENDING IT “WATCHING” A HORROR FILM.
AND BY “WATCHING,” OF COURSE I MEAN IGNORING IT AND MAKING OUT.
LIKE THEY DO IN THOSE OLD FILMS.
BACK WHEN LIFE WAS BALLS.
AT FIRST I WOULD BE THE DUDE WHO’D ACTUALLY GO TO A HORROR MOVIE TO WATCH IT, AND DONNIE WOULD BE THE SWEET LITTLE MARY JANE WHO’D COME TO ASK ME OUT BUT SHE’D SEE ME THERE WITH SALMACIS, OUR SCIENCE TEACHER, AND IT’D BE AWKWARD.
THEN AT THE CLIMAX OF OUR TEENAGE LIVES, DONNIE WOULD WORK UP THE COURAGE AND ASK ME TO THE, LIKE… ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA DANCE SOCIAL.
AND I’D AGREE TO IT.
AND DONNIE AND I WOULD GO TO THE ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA DANCE SOCIAL THING, AND MARTY MCFLY WOULD SHOW UP AND PLAY “JOHNNY B. GOODE” AND THEN THE MOVIE WOULD END.
AND ALL THE 1950S PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH THEIR 1950S HAIRCUTS AND 1950S DIALOGUES LIKE “KEEN” AND “SWELL” AND “THE BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED” WOULD LOVE THE MOVIE AND TALK ABOUT IT TO THEIR CARS OR WHATEVER.
what the fuck am I even talking about anymore
Oh hey a Door.

5:24 PM
We’re
oh fuck it’s dark
stumbling
light switch
oh hey light switch

5:25 PM
We’re in a forest.
…with a random light switch on a tree that actually works.
It turned the sun on. o_o
That’s kinda funny. Light switch on a tree that turns the sun on.
Kinda surreal.

5:28 PM
Still following a path, always following a path. Whose path are we even following? The bikers will have been on, like. Bikes. And we'd have seen them.
Whatever. It beats hiking through the undergrowth.

5:33 PM
..can't believe he broke tiger stripes.
I also can't believe tiger stripes lasted so long, but I took that as a sign, y'know? It was a gift from God or whatever! "Come, my child, and raise this holy piece of plastic high, and thy will shred thine fingers to holy Bulls on Parade in my name! And when thy get to mine Heaven in the afterlife, all mine angels and cherubs and seraphim will chant, as one: YOU ROCK! FULL COMBO!"
it's fucking bullshit.

5:40 PM
The lights are flickering.
Well, the sun.
The sun is flickering.
Shit, I hope the lights don’t go out before we find our way out.

5:42 PM
LIGHT SWITCH
HITTING
…I JUST TURNED THE SUN OFF.
Sorry, gamer’s instinct. See the lights fading, hit the nearest light source, maybe the lights will go back to normal.
There’s a Door there anyway.
What was even the point of this place? To make me look like an idiot?

5:45 PM
This is a shed with walls made of lamps.
"Is your. Is your heart just not in the descriptions now?"
Well, what would you call it?
"The walls are! Made of! ........lampshades. It's the material that, y'know, lampshades are made of."
There's a wooden door. Not a Door door, but a shed door. What's outside?

5:46 PM
..oh my god hello beautiful highway.
"Well, this actually looks more like a motorway. English. There’s a difference."
What? How can you tell?
"The road sign says Eastbourne. Hey, there are bikes on the side of the road!"
What!
There's two. These look like the same sort that the bikers had.
"Is anyone around? Are they having a piss or something? ..the bikes are soaked in blood."
Who cares! Let's take them!

8:25 PM
Okay. So.
We rode for a little bit before we caught up with two bikers. It was the leader, and the big muscle-y one. They had parked in the middle of the motorway to see who was coming up.
They were surprised to see it was us, and we stopped to talk to them!
They had been in the rabbit holes all day, in different worlds than we had, and along the way they'd lost their other two friends, they were still touchy about that. We did apologize for using their friends' bikes, but the leader said it was alright as long as we were here to help with the Cipher.
I looked at Donnie, she looked at me, and we... said yeah. Yeah, we're here to help.
So we all rode, down the magical motorway, for 200 miles. It was pretty gorgeous. Trees on either side of us gave way to reveal rolling hills with multi-sun sunsets, distant streams, farms of insect animals, giant ducks flying overhead, big mounds, cobblestone walls and little padlock gates... it was nice, it was nice.
Then we approached a giant Door, gaping wide over the motorway, and barreled right into thick snow, stopping our bikes and sending all of us flying off.
The sky in this world is white, with a black grid like on a map. Snow doesn't fall, it just already coats the ground.
And even the bikers didn't want to try to get their bikes across this, so they just took to walking it. Donnie and I huddled together behind them.
At first we weren't sure about where we were, it could have just been another regular rabbit hole world, but then we noticed the giant spidercloud in the distance, and sporadic flashes of lightning around us. We were in the Cipher Realm.
And it was during a burger meal that we were all ambushed by warriors in thick bundles of clothes (all I could make out for their physical description is their beanies had holes for two horns on their heads). They pointed flaming sticks at us and demanded to know what we were here for. And the bikers were blunt: "We are here to kill the Cipher."
So we were all restrained, zipties around our arms, and led some distance to a cold stone structure.
Now we are in prison cells, each our own.
There’s a giant blob monster keeping watch over us.
And we were each given a piece of.. parchment, with the same message on it:
"Good cavaliers,
Your metal horses have been captured for the use of the imperial army. You have no hope of returning home, and we will put you to death for your trespass, so you truly only have one option: You must accomplish what you came here to do. Kill me, or die trying.
The truth is, I have been waiting here for challengers such as yourselves who know their role in this war. I have known my role for all of my long life. This barren No Man's Land has been maintained for this role, and my platoons have been trained for my defense with proper knowledge of this battle's greater context. They are cultured, cultivated, and noble. Can you say the same?
In the name of good sport, I have provided each of you with accommodations for the night, as your arrival here cannot have been comfortable. I want your battle with me to involve you giving your all, not opponents plagued with fatigue. You are thereby encouraged to sleep for the night, as you have much to do on the morrow.
In my Realm, I have stationed eight challenges and five preparatory battles. You are to perform the challenges to gather the keys that unlock my throne room. The preparatory battles are for good show. As no doubt mighty warriors yourselves, you must understand.
At 8 AM, your cells will unlock. Rest well, good cavaliers. I expect a worthy final fight."
This is, obviously, a lot more involved than the others had been. I fear we might actually be locked into this one.
Maybe we can do the challenges and get into the throne room before the bikers do? Talk to the Cipher. It sounds like he's perfectly capable of dialogue. Explain our situation.
He'll understand. Right?

(Attached: "The trials of the Hords Creek Lake Bikers on their quest into the Xanadian Heartlands involved several worlds that were traversed by road, offering them little resistance, and then one hideous world that they had assumed was a long dark tunnel to drive through. Halfway through the tunnel, a liquid wall of blood clots and viscera rushed in behind them at a faster speed than their bikes could go, and it dawned on them that this was the inside of a giant body. Knowing they would not make it to the other side of the tunnel in time, the two less able-bodied bikers were asked to give themselves that it may stay the flood. And, likewise, knowing the importance of their group's goal, this was agreed to. It was swiftly regretted once the two sacrifices were inside the blood, being eaten alive by white blood cells like hungry piranhas, but this did in fact keep those cells busy while the other two rode their way out, steel-faced to the muffled sound of screaming. As the bikes were inorganic material, they were rejected and pushed out the Door with them.
I.. felt it necessary to memorialize those two.")